On the Living Stones elder team, we’ve been talking a bit lately about what role the church can play in uniting singles in our church in godly romantic relationships. Obviously because we have such a young congregation we have a lot of single people, and we have heard quite a bit from many of our singles that finding godly partners is very difficult, which is strange, because there are so many singles attending service and serving together every single week.
Many churches have singles ministries, and most people in those churches aren’t offended by that. We’ve specifically decided not to have a singles ministry, at least for now, because of two major concerns 1) those ministries are often more about catering to consumer, meat market mentalities, and 2) another ministry just busies people up with “church stuff” even more, keeping those people from having the extra time to live missionally.
Instead of having specific singles ministries that people are usually not offended by but aren’t always that effective, some of us in church leadership have tried simply introducing godly single people to one another or having get togethers where Christians can hang out in a non threatening environment and meet one another. For some reason, we’ve had a few people in our church get offended by this. So my question is – why?
I have had a few people say to me that it isn’t the role of the church to pair people up or play “love connection”. Really? Where is your verse for that? I would love to see it. I think such opinions are based on a strong misunderstanding of what the church is. Remember, the church is not a building where worship happens; the church is a people who worship together. And while worship is our primary objective, the way that we worship God takes on many forms. The church is not just a group who sings songs together once a week; the church is a family of people who do life together. If your brother, sister, or close friend had a friend that they wanted you to meet would you become grossly offended at the suggestion and tell them that it wasn’t their role to hope that you find a wonderful and godly partner in life? Most of us wouldn’t mind.
So why is the leadership of a church prohibited from playing a role in helping godly people in the church find each other? Is marriage a good thing? The Scripture says yes. Is marriage a part of life? Yes. Do we counsel married couples? Yes. Do people often come to me as a pastor and ask my advice on whether or not they should marry a certain person? All the time. So why is it any different if I decide to have a fun event where both married people and singles can attend, and where some singles may find each other and benefit the church through healthy and kingdom minded romance? I have heard many people object to such a thing, but I haven’t had a biblical or kingdom minded reason placed alongside of these objections.
Is there a command in Scripture that says that church leaders are responsible for pairing up couples? No, there isn’t. But that doesn’t prohibit me or another elder or deacon from doing it. There a lot of things that we do that aren’t commanded in Scripture but people agree are good, healthy, and kingdom minded. For example, there is no deacon meeting in Scripture, but I think our deacons would agree that when we have them they are good. The question is not “does Scripture command it?” the question is “does Scripture forbid it?”, and if not, does it fit with a biblical ethic? I think godly men and women finding each other is consistent with the mood of Scripture, so helping people find each other serves a kingdom minded purpose.
Finally, because there have been instances lately of couples finding each other through introductions or fun events, and because conversations have been had about what role the church might be able to play in helping people find each other, comments have been made that “Living Stones is too concerned with playing match maker lately and its all I hear about”. This reaction is far too extreme. The last time I checked, we have never dedicated a service or even an officially organized church event around this issue, but we still proclaim the name of Jesus every time we meet. Jesus is our concern, and I think Jesus is concerned that godly relationships are built in our church. Healthy relationships mean a healthy church family. Is that a bad thing to spend time working on?
3 comments:
I like the idea of godly relationships blossoming out of this community. I have always felt safe under the leadership of the sheperding team here. I am very excited to be dating Erica right now and being fed at Stones and serving at Stones. I feel very safe and accoutable. Dude, I'm all for it.
Danny, great blog.....
I'm curious if the team has talked about ways to teach/mentor/disciple men and women in our community on how to have godly romantic relationships, how to be a man of God or woman of God in a relationship. I'd venture to say that most may not even know where to start and we may do an even better service by training in that kind of godliness..... Maybe this is the first time for a lot of people that they are even considering how to have a relationship that honors God. One might get some encouragement or insight in small group ywhen it comes to more mentoring, etc. I think it wouldn't hurt our community to share topically for our single men to be godly men and our single women to be godly women.
I came to LS at the tail end of last years series on these topics and I'm sure a lot of people would benefit from hearing discussions on dating with purpose vs. worldy dating, courtship, how to treat men/women in a godly way when there's romantic interest again or in other settings.... I think a lot of people are stumblin, fumblin and bumblin in that whole area and could really use some training on how to live a godly life relationally, even if they don't find their life mate at Stones.....
Irritating that people would be bothered by attempts made to bring people together in a Christ-centered community. I think it's hypocritical. Last time I checked we aren't going to endorse bar hopping to find a life mate. That's when I'd be concerned. But how else are you going to find someone who has similar values, where do you start? If bar hopping isn't the answer, then does one hang out at coffee shops cuz that's the Christian drug of choice? Why not plan/host/go to fun things put on by members in my church in a social setting to meet a lot of people and see if there's a connection that's non-threatening?
Unless people find points of common interest or connection to get the sparks flying, its not going to happen. I think our believing community should encourage social events and service events. One of the best ways to get to know someone is to serve with them in Childrens ministry, on a mission trip, etc.....Of course we don't want our church to be a meat market and I think it's important to guard against that mentality but maybe some of it has to do with how people in our church view dating. Do they see it as a meat market or do they see it as trying to glorify God in their relationship and finding that man or woman they can best glorify God with for a lifetime? We've seen enough divorce in our generation. How can we help people to be in it for the long haul? Part of it may be to help serial daters who keep fumblin with it..... If we could think more bibilically about our relationships maybe we wouldn't get in them so quickly.......just a lot of thoughts from someone who, up until 10 months ago.......
I believe your absolutely right Danny and your blog was sound in your perspective and i believe it was sound theologically as well, but, your argument is completely one sided. You don't address the other point of view what so ever. I'm not saying it's wrong for the leadership of the church to organize events where singles can mingle. But, if more than one or two people are getting offended by the way the events are set up or advertised I think it might be smart to spend some time thinking about how we go about creating atmospheres where this can happen comfortably. It isn't just that people are offended (which I agree is ridiculous) but people are just uncomfortable with the feel of things. For example, if someone posted on The City that there was going to be a fun event I would be like sweet that'll be fun, but if they posted that they were having a fun event where there would be a ton of single women, I might be hesitant to go, just because I don't want people to think that I'm desperately looking for a relationship. That's embarrassing. If someone is hosting a fun event, it's just inherent that there will be single people there. It doesn't need to be advertised as a place for (desperate) singles to meet companions.
That being said, people need relax and quit causing drama. It's immature to get "offended" by something as trivial as this. If you disagree with the way something is done, come up with a way to fix the problem, not a solution that points a finger at your spiritual leaders (who you should trust with your life) and gets rid of the situation completely. If you don't trust the leaders of our church with your dating life, how can you trust them with your souls. And lastly, no one ever said you had to go to any of these events. If your single and not looking, more power to you. Live it up, and wear your singleness like a badge. No one told you "YOU MUST BE IN A RELATIONSHIP". Jesus Christ was single, so calm yourself. No one is pressuring you to pursue relationship. And if they are, just tell them to back off. It's as simple as that
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